My tryst with anxiety – I : The background

Life is as fragile as it comes. The quarks in our body have survived 13.6 billion years to evolve into a conscious species which can think, feel, plan and act. Above all, it forms relationships with people and attachments. In July of 2021, if someone had asked me about my life, I would have categorically said it is as perfect as possible. Fast forward six months, I suffered from anxiety and depression at levels I had never encountered. The fall from perfection was rapid, especially for a person with no expectations from his life. If you compare my state with people in the war-torn areas, it does feel like a first world problem. As a person with a high ego who never thought I could ever need external support for my mental health, the last few months have been a big revelation. Randomness and entropy drive this universe and life. My solitary insignificant consciousness cannot be an exception to that rule. At the risk of sounding cliched, my life has come a full circle.

Every being is a summation of our evolutionary past and learnings from the time of birth. We are deterministic and like to seek answers to all questions. I am no different. I was born agnostic like every other child. I was fearful of consequences, anxious about unknowns and insecure about my value. The loneliness of these traits, coupled with some horrendous childhood trauma, made me the person I am known by people around me today. I am obnoxious, cynical, confident, brutally honest and an ergomaniac.

“On a treadmill, I either win, or I die”, Will Smith once said in an interview.

“A cynic is just a dead idealist”, said the famous comedian George Carlin.

These two quotes summarise my attitude roughly. The anxieties and insecurities were buried deep as I forgot to care about anything but the truth. Over the years, I also realised the two key pillars of my personality, addiction and ego. I get addicted to people and behaviours. My ego pulls me out when I realise the loss of control. This combination has kept me in check overall. It also meant I was keeping an eye on my attachments.

As the saying goes, the only way from the top is down. In July of 2021, my life was at its best. I was happy and content as lockdown hit Sydney. I immersed myself in my new role at work. I loved the job and found it quite gratifying. Unfortunately, life isn’t gambling. One can’t quit when they are high. The situation at work started to take a turn for the worse. Lockdown helped me as I lost track of time. As the work environment got toxic, I spent more time trying to compensate. In less than a month, my mind started to crumble without my knowledge. In a few months, I was suffering from a stress induced anxiety disorder.