My tryst with anxiety – V: The remnants

“You will suffer from PTSD for years to come,” my doctor said two years back.

PTSD is one of those phenomena which is commonly used, expressed in terms of symptoms but the truth is always concealed. Like the famous comedy routine of George Carlin, the pain is covered in the jargon. When you go through it doesn’t feel like the trauma is post. It feels present. It has been over two years, and I am out of medication but the remnants of the period still remain. I have laughed off all the physical impact but once in a while, I relive the pain. Otherwise back to my physical and mental strength, I want to share one (hopefully) final post on the experience.

For the lucky people who have never experienced this, I have an analogy to explain. Imagine you are forty years old and living in 2024. Your eyes see electric cars, tall buildings, smartphones, and heavy traffic. Your brain makes you believe, you are a child in the middle of an old town in 1985. There is a massive dissonance between what you need to experience to what you do. This isn’t post-trauma. This is a different form of trauma, one where the reality is distorted by your experience. Another and something more personal to me is what a victim feels when confronted with their abuser even after years. The abuser could be a frail shadow of the past and the victim is no more a child but a more powerful person. However, the shiver down the spine that sends a signal of helplessness that you felt during those wretched times can never be explained.

The purpose of this post isn’t to garner sympathy or bask in victimhood. Having gone through this twice in my life, first as a teenager and second as an adult, I can’t stop myself from comparing and coming up with coping mechanisms. The trigger for this post was an innocus catchup I had with one of my office mates from the past. we shared a few laughs and discussed about the happenings. I came home and felt a sense of drain, doom and gloom. The calendar said 2024 and my body was reacting like Dec 2022, immersed in anxiety.

No shame in abnormality

You feel weak, your heart races, you are nervous about the situation that rest of them feel normal. You don’t want to show the weakness to anyone else as you feel ashamed of the abnormal reaction. I have continuously reinforced myself that the physiological manifestations of my emotional pain doesn’t need external gratification. I feel what I feel and I am secure about it. If I feel ashamed to exhbit what I feel is a sign of weakness then I won’t. I would rather keep my sanity with that pretence.

Safety is key

These are times where you feel the need to share. As a child, it is hard to express because you lack words. As an adult, it is hard to express because you fear judgement and ridicule. You can’t share it with closed ones as they will continue to get hurt. You can’t share it with distant ones because you fear information leakage. A therapist becomes your best anonymous companion. If you can’t then find a friend who can be your support buddy. If nothing works, then imaginary discussions to yourself isn’t bad either. Talking to oneself is one of the safest ways to express.

Sleep

A good night’s sleep does wonders. The natural circadian rhythm for cortisol ensures that it is least at midnight. Hitting the bed early and getting a wonderful sleep helps regulate the anxiety caused by PTSD. Personally, it refreshes my brain to start all over again but this time more clearly.

Stay away

Advices like “Confront your abuser” or “Face your fears” are great for normal situations. When you are having PTSD, you don’t need to confront your abuser or face the trauma again. You need time to recover. If staying away is the best way to deal with the situation, then it is perfectly acceptable to stay away from the abuser or the environment that resulted in the trauma.