Rama, Shahjahan, Kovalan, the husbands not to be

“Do you really want me to be a husband like Rama?”

That was my question to my mother-in-law when she wished that my marriage with my wife would turn out like the one between Rama and Sita.

This has to be controversial. If I write 5 blogs and haven’t said anything controversial, I am not true to myself. For the moment, I want to ignore all real-life examples I have seen and only concentrate on stories. For every relationship, I have stories of someone who epitomised purity. As a husband, I could never find someone trusting, faithful, loving, protective and honest. People tend to create personality cult on someone who excels in one area, giving them free pass with others. So, for a change I want to take the opportunity to finish off this series with set of stories from which I learnt how not to be as a husband.

Rama, the husband

The story of Rama in Valmiki’s Ramayana was one where he was dutiful as a monarch, but never once as a husband. As a crown prince, it was his duty to obey the king and move out of the kingdom for 14 years. He abdicated the responsibility as a husband. I don’t doubt from the stories that he loved Sita a lot. However, asking her to prove chastity and fidelity by walking into a burning pyre was an act of cowardice. I would have respected the story more if he had walked with her. Then he couldn’t resist his sycophancy towards pleasing his people. He forces his pregnant wife to move away or prove her chastity again to the entire kingdom. This results in him losing his wife, who walks away to the jungle. Finally, when he decides to go get her back, he poses the same request again. At this point, Sita has it enough and decides to end it. The only credit I can give Rama, as a husband is that he was consistent. This story if anything proves the loyalty of Sita in the midst of a terrible marriage.

Shahjahan, the husband

Who cannot look at Taj Mahal and wonder about the symbol of love built by Mughal Emperor Shahjahan for his wife Mumtaj. A kind of love where Shahjahan was already married couple of years earlier with this first wife, Kandahari Begum. He also married another woman a couple of years after he married Mumtaj. That also didn’t stop him from marrying one more after she died. Her death was also imminent as she was pregnant with his 14th child by the time she was 38. This isn’t an act of love or devotion. This is just a typical emperor who wanted to show off his wealth. Every architectural marvel of the past was given for some reason but the truth is that it was built to show off one’s power and wealth. Taj Mahal is no different. When I see it I feel the cry of women. It didn’t need modern science to know that the process of child birth was painful or can be fatal. If I love my wife why I would I try something where the chance of her death is anything above zero. It was the fourteenth child. He already had enough by then.

Kovalan, the husband

In the previous blog, I mentioned the famous Tamil epic Silapathigaram. The entire epic glorifies Kannagi, the lady who fights for the truth when her husband was mistakenly executed by the Pandya king. She gets immortalised as a symbol of chastity. Kovalan, the husband of Kannagi, was a philanderer. He was a wealthy merchant who decided to spend all his wealth on his mistress Madhavi. Once he becomes penniless, he comes back to Kannagi, and she accepts him back in her life. She is being praised for this. I have never heard of a story where a woman commits adultery and the husband is glorified for taking her back. The reason is that it rarely happens if at all. The entire glorification of Kannagi as the Pathini (பத்தினி) meaning Chaste wife in the story is not a responsibility a wife alone should carry.

I am not in any way speaking ill of the literature here. The literary value of Ramayana or Silapathigaram is absolutely tremendous. Any literature lasting for a few thousand years is a showcase of its greatness. I am merely highlighting the mistakes the protagonists have made as husbands. Well, I certainly never wanted to be them. How I am and my mistakes are for people to judge.