Remembering 26-June-2015

It is hard to look at the calendar on 26th of June and not feel bad for the events of 26-June-2015. It is worse when the day happens to be your birthday. I still remember waking up on that day to hear the deadly news and continue to hear more during the day. Over 400 died across North Africa and Europe and an equal number injured. The Wikipedia page on this attack provides some details.

I do not want to make this about me but it is hard to wake up to wishes and not remember this event every year. The selfish human trait does come to the forte irrespective of my will.

My daughter was 3 years old then. It continues to be gut-wrenching to think, how many of those victims had kids like me? How many were kids? How many had dependant families who are still in shock? How many of them were setup to take our civilisation forward?

I do not want to drone on or traffic on the abject misery of the victims. As life moves on, I want to pause a minute to hope well for the victims of not just this attack but attacks all over the world. I promise to continue the fight in my simple way to emancipate the world from the horrors of religions. Some part of me also hopes people who read this do the same. Empathy is hard in general but humanity can definitely come together to eliminate the evil cause that results in such horrors. It is a lot easier to be empathetic to this cause or at least I hope.

I have a dream….

As a child, I read about Dr.Martin Luther King Jr and his famous speech, “I have a dream…” in my history books. YouTube gave me the opportunity to watch it and experience his gravitas. The speech was not just moving but also very skillfully written. I must have since watched it over 100 times. The beauty of his dreams was that none of his dreams actually involved Dr. King. It wasn’t like I have a dream to change the situation or I have a dream to live in a certain society. The dream was truly for the future of the society and didn’t even require him as a catalyst or a promoter. It was hard for me to ignore that fact. It struck a chord with me and continues to do so till this very date. For long, I wondered about writing my version of the same in the twenty first century. Here is my humble attempt at the same.

For long, I wondered about my version of the same. Here is my humble attempt at the same.

In the 150,000 years of human history, the last 150 years have been extremely significant. In this evolutionary flash, we have understood our universe a lot better through General Theory of Relativity and Quantum Mechanics. We have written more books than the entire human history. In the field of Medicine, we discovered penicillin, eradicated small pox, have almost eradicated polio and now are able to perform organ replacement. We have understood the evolution of species by the understanding of the DNA and its switching. From the discovery of radio in the last decade of the 19th century, we have moved to connecting the entire world through internet by the last decade of the 20th century. We have sent humans to space, satellites to as far as Saturn and a spaceship outside of the solar system. We have developed techniques to improve agriculture productivity. We have spread arts and culture through the development of science. All this in the span of less than .1% of our entire history. The apes from savannas have evolved to some great extent.

With all these inventions, we still are on the brink of a Nuclear War. The narcissistic leaders of the world, who have no idea of what physical and chemical processes which lead to this, have been given the right to trigger a war which could end the human race. The parties of god are ruling more than 50% of the countries, still discriminating against, women, LGBTQ, people of colour and minorities in their respective countries. The top 80 rich people hold more wealth than the bottom 70% of the world put together. Children are dying of malnutrition and before I finish this sentence, one child has died somewhere because of lack of access to clean water. The only people who seem to go there are trying to capitalise on their misery to spread their religion. Slavery has taken a new form through bonded labours like the foreign workers in the middle east, Singapore, Korea and Hong Kong. There are child labourers still working on mines. Women are being treated as second-class citizens in many countries and domestic violence is still a big issue. The capitalists are still focused on individual wealth rather than collective growth of humans. Accessibility and affordability of healthcare is an issue globally except for a few developed welfare states. Terrorism is ruling the minds of people with fear. Human-induced climate change is a massive catastrophe waiting to happen and we have climate change deniers in key positions across the globe. The situation is nowhere close to where the world should be with all our knowledge.

I have a dream,

… where every child whether born in Africa, Australia, the United States of America, Chile, Pakistan or anywhere else get an equal opportunity to learn and be the best they can.

… where women all over the world have the equal right to do everything their male counterpart do

… where religious faith has no place in public life, so humility, learning, humanity, rationale, social welfare drive policies

… where discrimination on the basis of race, culture, nationality, gender, sexual orientation, class, vocation is not considered a right and protection of the discriminated is not a personal liberty issue

… where freedom of speech cannot be arrested by force or fear of intimidation

… where individual’s sexual orientation or preference is respected and treated equally

… where the majority opinion is not used to silence the minorities

… where the pursuit of science and arts is welcome to the betterment of the entire society

… where no individual has to ever stay hungry

… where power is in the collective hands of people and not in the hands of the wealthy

… where information flow is not arrested and intellectual property belongs to the collective humanity

… where no animal is hunted for fun and no animal is raised to be hunted

… where failure is celebrated and learnings from the failure a welcome

… where old age gets security and every individual has the right to a healthy life

… where every nation has the right to self-govern with a respect for pluralism and mutual respect

… where truth cannot be suppressed by the threat of offence

… where every woman has right to control her reproduction

… where nations unite to support each other

… where any individual who works for 8 hours earns enough to sustain themselves and their family

… where wealth is not transferred to generations by the virtue of birth and it isn’t necessary to be wealthy to achieve success in life

This dream cannot be achieved by individual will but by the collective will of people to create a system which works for everyone. A system which doesn’t need great leaders. A system which will learn and continue to improve itself. I have a dream that one day the world will be a place where we fight the real battles facing us through science and enjoy our life here through arts.

Thank you.

When my daughter helped me identify my bias

Recently, I started telling stories of real-life achievers as bedtime stories to my daughter Riya. I felt really nice doing that. I despise the fairy tales and myths. So, by telling these stories,  I felt I am doing something right for my daughter. So far, I have told her stories of evolution by Darwin, Neil Amstrong on the moon, Sir. Edmond Hillary and Tensing Norgay climbing Mt. Everest etc. I felt happy as I am not biasing my young daughter’s mind with stupid stories. However, something interesting happened yesterday which changed my perception.

When I was putting Riya to sleep yesterday night, I told her the story of astronaut Sunita Williams. She was happy listening to the story and was keen on learning more. I accidentally realised this was the first story with a woman protagonist that I have told my daughter.  I told my wife about the same when Riya turned around and asked me, “Yes, you always tell me only stories of boys. Why don’t you tell me girl stories pa?”. It is quite possible that she too realised when I told my wife but it was interesting that she noted it. The incident made me realise my unconscious bias. The first 5 achievers I named were all male.

I wanted to write about this incident immediately. As a parent, it is extremely important for us to make a conscious attempt to provide a balanced perspective. Kids learn from what we say.  I wonder if Riya would have thought achievements of the highest order are restricted to men or her father only recognises achievements of men. Either of that is not what I had in mind or wanted to instil in her. It is time for me to change. I have started doing research of loads of women achievers across different fields. This was another realisation that I had thanks to my daughter.

My fascination to “The Village Schoolmaster”

Art has something that transcends logic as I know it. As I grew up, few poetries have stuck with me without me realising it. I wasn’t a good student and found my literature teachers intolerable. However, I did manage to read a bit of poetry in English and Tamil, two languages which I understand.

As I reflect on my fascinations, interests, admirations, I am intrigued by how these relate to Oliver Goldsmith’s village schoolmaster. Here is the poem for people who don’t know or want to enjoy the lyrical beauty. I will then write about lines which meant a lot to me.


Beside yon straggling fence that skirts the way
With blossom’d furze unprofitably gay,
There, in his noisy mansion, skill’d to rule,
The village master taught his little school;
A man severe he was, and stern to view,
I knew him well, and every truant knew;
Well had the boding tremblers learn’d to trace
The days disasters in his morning face;
Full well they laugh’d with counterfeited glee,
At all his jokes, for many a joke had he:
Full well the busy whisper, circling round,
Convey’d the dismal tidings when he frown’d:
Yet he was kind; or if severe in aught,
The love he bore to learning was in fault.
The village all declar’d how much he knew;
‘Twas certain he could write, and cipher too:
Lands he could measure, terms and tides presage,
And e’en the story ran that he could gauge.
In arguing too, the parson own’d his skill,
For e’en though vanquish’d he could argue still;
While words of learned length and thund’ring sound
Amazed the gazing rustics rang’d around;
And still they gaz’d and still the wonder grew,
That one small head could carry all he knew.
But past is all his fame. The very spot
Where many a time he triumph’d is forgot.

 

Admiration for comedy

Comedy is a natural healer, an involuntary reaction and something which pushes boundaries. Comedy requires some special skills where you have to think deeply about an incident, exaggerate it to the right proportion and deliver it well to the audience. It is hard to be a dumb comedian especially if you writing your own scripts.

Love for learning

Life is a losing struggle from the time we were born. This is true for species to the stars. If I am going to lose everything that I get, I would rather gain happiness through knowledge than economic wealth. The truth is always deeper and more fascinating than what is apparent to our senses.

Arguing for life

Every new discovery requires our DNAs to reprogram. It isn’t easy. The best way to learn is by winning the war of ideas. The war of ideas is won by winning smaller battles like debates. Debates are inherently interesting and challenging.

Fascinated by people with knowledge

I can’t emphasise more on my fascination towards people with knowledge of multiple subjects. The people I admire, my father, Christopher Hitchens, Karl Marx, Professor Steven Hawking, Noam Chomsky and list goes on, were all people with knowledge on diverse subjects, with the ability to connect them and articulate a well thought out point.

In conclusion, art transcends generations and pushes boundaries. As I see growing intolerance towards art, communities taking offence and curtailing their free spirit, I wonder if we will slowly limit the pervasiveness of this wonderful subject. That is exactly why it is important to fight for liberty and freedom.

 

A story of tremendous resilience

Year 2008 AD. Many will remember this year for the biggest depression since the Great Economic Depression of 1930s. For me, it was the year of great positives. The biggest one was me marrying Charanya, with that starting a journey of great memories. However, there was one particular action that has haunted from that year onwards. The guilt and anguish associated with it has travelled with me for almost 9 years and across 4 countries. It was the treachery of seeing my wife quit her full-time job in IT and finally getting it back after 9 years of struggle, pain, anger, disappointments, disgust, trauma and undeterred resilience. I am both the perpetrator and witness in this case and here is the story as I saw it.

After the initial phase of our marriage, we hit a turbulence of our diametrically opposite social beliefs. Opportunity and fate presented in the form of an opportunity to go back to the UK, my adopted homeland back then. Charanya and I discussed the opportunity and decided to to take it up. In hindsight the first mistake, we rushed into moving without looking at options to preserve her job. I attribute that to the deep rooted male chauvinism ingrained in my system. I probably didn’t look at her career the same way as mine. Since it wasn’t a conscious intention, I would have never agreed to this back then. However, it started the journey with obstacles and pitfalls.

It is never easy to give up your financial independence and it is worse when you had to find equilibrium with a man having diametrically opposite views. Both of us realised this early in the phase but with recession at its peak, we were left to weather the storm. I witnessed her cry and breakdown every single day. The pain of not earning and at the same time not seeing light at the end of the tunnel had devastating effects.
It started a series of attempts to get back to a career which satisfies her financially.
Each of the attempt and the associated pain is a story in itself. I will list them to give a feel for the pain.

Attempt #1: Front End Development  May 2009
Attempt #2: Sales  Jul 2009
Attempt #3: Prep for doing an MBA (Study for GMAT) Jul-Nov 2009
Attempt #4: SAP HR Functional (Back to SAP world) Apr – Sep 2010
Attempt #5: SAP Training Nov – Dec 2010
Attempt #6: Recruiter Jan – Feb 2011
Attempt #7: Online retailing Mar 2012 – Mar 2014
Attempt #8: Interior Design Feb 2013 – till date
Attempt #9: Child Care Mar 2016 – Jun 2016
Attempt #10: Software Testing Jul 2016 – till date (Successful)

One might look at it and feel, why did she not continue on anything or focus on one item. As I mentioned before, each of this an attempt is a separate chapter if I have to write this as a book. It was marred with countless rejections, harassment and  insults. Eight years, countless rejections and psychological abuses will dent the confidence of most individuals. She was no exception, however at no point did she contemplate giving up on her career and the fight for financial independence.

The day she got an offer was arguably the best day of my life since our daughter’s birth. It was a testimony to her spirit and endurance. It was a story to tell, not for successful people but for everyone fighting for the first break. However, she took it in her stride, probably the experiences have made her more balanced. She hardly got support from anyone around as far as her career is concerned. People (including me sadly) were only trying to pacify her which in hindsight might have acted as a deterrent than a support.
Here is my learning from this entire experience.

For anyone is a similar situation

1. Fight – That is the best you can do
Irrespective of what Charanya picked up, I never saw her give less than 100%. With nil support from me, she did most of these attempts. From GMAT to SAP to Interior Design to Child Care, she cleared all the exams. When you keep doing your best, somewhere you will get the spark.
2. Never give up – Life is not worth giving up
Failures are part of this painful earth. Sometimes it is unjustifiably biased against you, especially if you a woman fighting in this society. Life is still worth if even if you fight till the end. Not once did I hear Charanya talk about giving up going back to work. It might sound easy and silly for most people, but to her, it was an eluding fruit. She spent countless hours fighting battles and sometimes for my attention.
3. Enjoy the process when you pick up anything new
Every time Charanya picked up or had to pick up a new skill, it was filled with sceptical optimism. As time went by, the percentage of scepticism increased. It is natural for that to happen. However, she somehow managed to enjoy the process of picking up anything new. She worked as an intern/un-paid employee for almost 7 months before getting a job. She just enjoyed the process of doing what she liked.
4. You are good enough
The dent in confidence is the biggest barrier to enjoying life. It is worth remembering that if you have been good enough to live, then you are good enough to try what you want.

For partners

1. Asking them to accept status quo is not supporting
I have asked Charanya to enjoy the present many times, especially when she came to me for support with her goals. To me, it was a question of enjoying life to fullest. I failed to recognise that her enjoyment comes with pushing herself towards the goal. My goal should have been providing a path for her to succeed and not asking her to enjoy the status quo. If you have watched Lord of the Rings, you might remember this line “Come, Mr. Frodo!’ I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you.” You should be that Sam as much as possible.
2. It is hard for you to empathise – so shut up
For this entire duration, I thought I was great at empathising with her issue. The reality was, I didn’t get anything. My assumption was purely based on me feeling bad for her and guilty of my mistake. It is not possible for me to actually empathise with her. It is a very sinking feeling and soul crushing feeling, which we cannot fully realise till we go through it. So, it is better to accept that and keep out mouths shut.
3. Block time to support them in their endeavours
Life is filled with a whole bunch of activities that always take priority. There was an added pressure of having to earn enough to ensure I meet the needs of everyone. This meant I never ever bothered to spend time supporting Charanya in her endeavours. It took me 8 years to have the realisation that I can indeed help if I prioritise my time better. Further, as someone closest to the problem, the partners are probably best placed to solve it.
4. No point in feeling guilty till you act on it
Guilt is a very tricky feeling. It gives you pain but not the courage to act. I continued to feel guilty and also sorry for my state(like I didn’t make a mistake). I never acted on it to resolve the situation. It just turned out to be a vicious cycle.
To conclude, it has been a great learning experience for me. I managed to reflect on my actions and hopefully will do different mistakes next. It also gave me an appreciation of what Charanya has done. I am sure I will request her to talk about her experience someday. But for today, I am just relieved like no one else on this planet.