Tag: mental-health

My tryst with anxiety – V: The remnants

~ Venki ~ Leave a comment

“You will suffer from PTSD for years to come,” my doctor said two years back.

PTSD is one of those phenomena which is commonly used, expressed in terms of symptoms but the truth is always concealed. Like the famous comedy routine of George Carlin, the pain is covered in the jargon. When you go through it doesn’t feel like the trauma is post. It feels present. It has been over two years, and I am out of medication but the remnants of the period still remain. I have laughed off all the physical impact but once in a while, I relive the pain. Otherwise back to my physical and mental strength, I want to share one (hopefully) final post on the experience.

For the lucky people who have never experienced this, I have an analogy to explain. Imagine you are forty years old and living in 2024. Your eyes see electric cars, tall buildings, smartphones, and heavy traffic. Your brain makes you believe, you are a child in the middle of an old town in 1985. There is a massive dissonance between what you need to experience to what you do. This isn’t post-trauma. This is a different form of trauma, one where the reality is distorted by your experience. Another and something more personal to me is what a victim feels when confronted with their abuser even after years. The abuser could be a frail shadow of the past and the victim is no more a child but a more powerful person. However, the shiver down the spine that sends a signal of helplessness that you felt during those wretched times can never be explained.

The purpose of this post isn’t to garner sympathy or bask in victimhood. Having gone through this twice in my life, first as a teenager and second as an adult, I can’t stop myself from comparing and coming up with coping mechanisms. The trigger for this post was an innocus catchup I had with one of my office mates from the past. we shared a few laughs and discussed about the happenings. I came home and felt a sense of drain, doom and gloom. The calendar said 2024 and my body was reacting like Dec 2022, immersed in anxiety.

No shame in abnormality

You feel weak, your heart races, you are nervous about the situation that rest of them feel normal. You don’t want to show the weakness to anyone else as you feel ashamed of the abnormal reaction. I have continuously reinforced myself that the physiological manifestations of my emotional pain doesn’t need external gratification. I feel what I feel and I am secure about it. If I feel ashamed to exhbit what I feel is a sign of weakness then I won’t. I would rather keep my sanity with that pretence.

Safety is key

These are times where you feel the need to share. As a child, it is hard to express because you lack words. As an adult, it is hard to express because you fear judgement and ridicule. You can’t share it with closed ones as they will continue to get hurt. You can’t share it with distant ones because you fear information leakage. A therapist becomes your best anonymous companion. If you can’t then find a friend who can be your support buddy. If nothing works, then imaginary discussions to yourself isn’t bad either. Talking to oneself is one of the safest ways to express.

Sleep

A good night’s sleep does wonders. The natural circadian rhythm for cortisol ensures that it is least at midnight. Hitting the bed early and getting a wonderful sleep helps regulate the anxiety caused by PTSD. Personally, it refreshes my brain to start all over again but this time more clearly.

Stay away

Advices like “Confront your abuser” or “Face your fears” are great for normal situations. When you are having PTSD, you don’t need to confront your abuser or face the trauma again. You need time to recover. If staying away is the best way to deal with the situation, then it is perfectly acceptable to stay away from the abuser or the environment that resulted in the trauma.

“Stop being jealous”- The remark that got me thinking

~ Venki ~ Leave a comment

I am an assured, candid, egoist who bulldozes people to get his point through. The part assured was always key for me as that was the one that enabled me to be candid. That made me stand up and accept that if I walk into a room of 100 random people, I have a zero chance of being in the top 20% of smart people. What I lack in terms of IQ, I try to compensate with my work ethic. This acknowledgment also led me to want to keep learning more and admire people who are way smarter than me. The quote I was able to relate to the most was from Will Smith when he said in an interview, “If we get on a treadmill together, you’re going to get off first, Or I’m going to die.” Why am I saying this now? Recently, I had an exchange with a friend who I trust and respect who said, “Stop being jealous. Reflect on the last time you praised someone wholeheartedly.” While my response to her was one of petulance and denial, I wasn’t able to stop thinking about it. Why did that assertion bother me? What connotation did I have for the adjective jealous? What should I learn from this about myself? I felt the best tribute I could give my friend was to be candid about my reflections. Since, this post is a product of reflection, I will use the pronoun I more than any other.

The clear dichotomy between Jealousy and Envy

In a strict collochial usage, I tend to use the words envy and jealousy quite interchangeably, while always considering the meaning of the former. While, I would have been able to define them when questioned, I never used or understood the usage of those words in the context of what they meant. Jealousy is when one feels threatened that someone will take away something one has. It leads to anxiety, fear and sometime rage. Envy is a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to someone’s advantages, success or possessions. When Aristotle can explain the difference, I want to use it.

Jealousy is both reasonable and belongs to reasonable men, while envy is base and belongs to the base, for the one makes himself get good things by jealousy, while the other does not allow his neighbour to have them through envy.

Aristotle

My priced possessions include the handful of decent relationships I have built in my life and my ability to think. While the former has a shelf life that depends on how quickly I drive people away, the latter will fade away with age.

So, am I jealous? Of course, I am. I am jealous when my priced possessions get taken away. The way I deal with the loss, is by allowing my ego to take over. The ego which somehow convinces me that I am much more than that relationship or ability.

Am I envious of anyone? Of couse, I am. I envy people who are at the level of smartness that I can never reach. I also respect and admire people whom I envy. I can never be them.

Assured about my insecurity

I am extremely assured and secure in my world of insecurity. I live my life in a way that I have never felt secure in what I know or behaved. Like Alan Watts famously summarises in his philosophical magnum opus ‘The Wisdom of Insecurity’, I have to admit that I am insecure about everything I know and possess. Insecurity like jealousy, can have a negative connotation and when combined can even sound dangerous. The truth however like many other aspects is in the context. It is what is the insecurity about, our acceptance of the insecurity and how we deal with it.

The more we try to live in the world of words, the more we feel isolated and alone, the more all the joy and liveliness of things is exchanged for mere certainty and security. On the other hand, the more we are forced to admit that we actually live in the real world, the more we feel ignorant, uncertain, and insecure about everything.

The Wisdom of Insecurity by Alan Watts

Am I insecure about my work? Of course, I am. I know and acknowledge that I am surrounded by people who are not just smarter than me but also have achieved more than I could ever imagine. The only way I can understand a concept is by simplfying it to the ability my brain can process. So, when I explain it to others, it almost become natural for me to down play and make the work sound simple.

My two key learning

I started this post by mentioning about reflection and learning. I will be damned if I don’t share the two points I have learned in the process of this reflection. The only way to respect the person who trusts you to give the feedback is by reflecting and acting on those.

Downgrading my one work, down grades every one who has done the work

As I mentioned, my natural tendency while trying to explain to others any topic, even if it excites me a lot is by down playing it. For example, I love financial modelling. I get excited when I do it. However, I have many times said, “this is nothing, I just did it over a day.” While in my mind, it was an expression of discomfort and insecurity, it expresses two unintended messages.

  1. Demeans the work itself: There are people who do it and do it way better than I do. By articulating the way I do, I am in many ways demeaning their work.
  2. Projects condosension: There are people who are trying to understand it just as the way I did. By expressing the way I do, I make it sound like this is nothing special for me and if it is for you then somehow you are not at my level.

Need not reserve praise for people who do better than oneself

I have never hesitated to admire and praise people who are smarter. In this process, I also miss out acknowledging one’s who are in the process of learning like I am. My ability to quickly dismiss has made me who I am as a person. I have to work on adding an additional parameter to the dismissal criteria.

Neither of the two I have mentioned above are going to easy to change. To be honest, I don’t even know how to change. In typical Froydian analysis, these are my ids. I am also too egoistic to say, I cannot change.