Year 2008 AD. Many will remember this year for the biggest depression since the Great Economic Depression of 1930s. For me, it was the year of great positives. The biggest one was me marrying Charanya, with that starting a journey of great memories. However, there was one particular action that has haunted from that year onwards. The guilt and anguish associated with it has travelled with me for almost 9 years and across 4 countries. It was the treachery of seeing my wife quit her full-time job in IT and finally getting it back after 9 years of struggle, pain, anger, disappointments, disgust, trauma and undeterred resilience. I am both the perpetrator and witness in this case and here is the story as I saw it.

After the initial phase of our marriage, we hit a turbulence of our diametrically opposite social beliefs. Opportunity and fate presented in the form of an opportunity to go back to the UK, my adopted homeland back then. Charanya and I discussed the opportunity and decided to to take it up. In hindsight the first mistake, we rushed into moving without looking at options to preserve her job. I attribute that to the deep rooted male chauvinism ingrained in my system. I probably didn’t look at her career the same way as mine. Since it wasn’t a conscious intention, I would have never agreed to this back then. However, it started the journey with obstacles and pitfalls.

It is never easy to give up your financial independence and it is worse when you had to find equilibrium with a man having diametrically opposite views. Both of us realised this early in the phase but with recession at its peak, we were left to weather the storm. I witnessed her cry and breakdown every single day. The pain of not earning and at the same time not seeing light at the end of the tunnel had devastating effects.

It started a series of attempts to get back to a career which satisfies her financially.

Each of the attempt and the associated pain is a story in itself. I will list them to give a feel for the pain.

The day she got an offer was arguably the best day of my life since our daughter’s birth. It was a testimony to her spirit and endurance. It was a story to tell, not for successful people but for everyone fighting for the first break. However, she took it in her stride, probably the experiences have made her more balanced. She hardly got support from anyone around as far as her career is concerned. People (including me sadly) were only trying to pacify her which in hindsight might have acted as a deterrent than a support.

Here is my learning from this entire experience.

Irrespective of what Charanya picked up, I never saw her give less than 100%. With nil support from me, she did most of these attempts. From GMAT to SAP to Interior Design to Child Care, she cleared all the exams. When you keep doing your best, somewhere you will get the spark.

Failures are part of this painful earth. Sometimes it is unjustifiably biased against you, especially if you a woman fighting in this society. Life is still worth if even if you fight till the end. Not once did I hear Charanya talk about giving up going back to work. It might sound easy and silly for most people, but to her, it was an eluding fruit. She spent countless hours fighting battles and sometimes for my attention.

Every time Charanya picked up or had to pick up a new skill, it was filled with sceptical optimism. As time went by, the percentage of scepticism increased. It is natural for that to happen. However, she somehow managed to enjoy the process of picking up anything new. She worked as an intern/un-paid employee for almost 7 months before getting a job. She just enjoyed the process of doing what she liked.

The dent in confidence is the biggest barrier to enjoying life. It is worth remembering that if you have been good enough to live, then you are good enough to try what you want.

I have asked Charanya to enjoy the present many times, especially when she came to me for support with her goals. To me, it was a question of enjoying life to fullest. I failed to recognise that her enjoyment comes with pushing herself towards the goal. My goal should have been providing a path for her to succeed and not asking her to enjoy the status quo. If you have watched Lord of the Rings, you might remember this line “Come, Mr. Frodo!’ I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you.” You should be that Sam as much as possible.

For this entire duration, I thought I was great at empathising with her issue. The reality was, I didn’t get anything. My assumption was purely based on me feeling bad for her and guilty of my mistake. It is not possible for me to actually empathise with her. It is a very sinking feeling and soul crushing feeling, which we cannot fully realise till we go through it. So, it is better to accept that and keep out mouths shut.

Life is filled with a whole bunch of activities that always take priority. There was an added pressure of having to earn enough to ensure I meet the needs of everyone. This meant I never ever bothered to spend time supporting Charanya in her endeavours. It took me 8 years to have the realisation that I can indeed help if I prioritise my time better. Further, as someone closest to the problem, the partners are probably best placed to solve it.

Guilt is a very tricky feeling. It gives you pain but not the courage to act. I continued to feel guilty and also sorry for my state(like I didn’t make a mistake). I never acted on it to resolve the situation. It just turned out to be a vicious cycle.

To conclude, it has been a great learning experience for me. I managed to reflect on my actions and hopefully will do different mistakes next. It also gave me an appreciation of what Charanya has done. I am sure I will request her to talk about her experience someday. But for today, I am just relieved like no one else on this planet.