Marriage is not sacred II – The Indian Wedding

As a child growing up in India, I loved attending wedding ceremonies of my family friends and relatives. It had everything that a child loved, new clothes, amazing food and a venue to play. As years passed by I started getting uncomfortable with the prospect of attending weddings. It required me to have uncomfortable conversations with people who didn’t respect my private space. Finally, as I understood what an Indian wedding involves, I believe it is a religious propaganda event with lots of financial ramifications.

India is a land of multiple religions and each religion has various sects. However, it doesn’t change the underlying culture of all these people. The deep-rooted cultural, racial, gender and class biases still remain. So what is applicable to one is truly applicable to the other. Further, secular weddings or court weddings as they are referred in India are genuinely rare. Here are the observations of the draconian impacts of these weddings.

Tradition

The traditions behind marriages are deeply disturbing. The tradition of weddings is equally callous. All of a sudden everyone around you starts to pick up a position in your life. The society feels the right to feel privileged. The traditions range from identifying dates which suit everyone, inviting hundreds of people in person, purchasing gifts for everyone, preparing for a 3-day event and above all dealing with sissy fits of people I generally refer to as “irrelevants” in the marital life. Then comes the traditions associated with religion, satisfying the priests who perform the wedding and invoking god in almost all aspects of it.

Social Pressure

There is a very high degree of social pressure in ensuring that your son gets married by the time he turns 28 or your daughter gets married by the time she turns 25. Sadly, the words used by even parents in this context is ‘saleable age’. It is very common to hear parents say, “everyone is asking me why I am not getting you married”, “you will not get options if you cross this age”,”no one will want you, you will be too old”. The social pressure turns parents into beings you truly despise.

The wedding is where the social pressure literally peaks. The event thrives on inducing jealousy, vitriol and fear. The common themes are

1. I want to do all this for everyone to see  – Inducing jealousy in others
2. I want to do this as someone else did it – I have been made to feel jealous
3. I have to do this as people around me expect to do – I fear the result if I don’t meet everyone’s expectation
4. I have to do this otherwise everyone will speak badly about the wedding – I have experienced or seen people experience this vitriol

So, invariably people who are conducting the wedding are forced to meet all these unrealistic social expectations.

It’s all about procreation

One cannot get through a wedding without people advising the bride and the groom about procreating. Most Hindu weddings are a segment where prayers are said for effective procreation. In crude terms, it is about praying to god to give you sexual powers. In Muslim and Christian weddings, the priest or imam gives advice on the sins of contraception. It never ends. In a year or two, if you don’t have a child, the entire society pitches in. They psychologically burn you down with feelings of remorse and regret. It starts off by making you feel inadequate and moves to shaming.  I always maintain god and society are two entities which always wants a share in your bedroom.

Here are the common points you will hear from the most disingenuine people around you.

1. “Do you have any good news?” – like any news other than having a baby is not a good one.
2. “You have to ensure your blood line continues” – they never say why.
3. “Someone has to take care of you when you get old” – this is the most selfish and possibly immoral reason to have a child
4. “Life is all about sacrifice” – This comes from people who would not have sacrificed a breath.
5. “Did you check with a doctor?” – these are people you should think of never talking again.
6. “I know a good astrologer” – these are people too dumb to give you advice.
7. “I want you to have a child, it will complete you” – These are narcissists. Their happiness depends on your behaviour,  so they essentially want control over you.

Dowry

The dowry is the most despicable part of the Indian wedding.  Dowry refers to the transfer of wealth from on side to the other, predominantly from the bride’s side to the groom’s side. There are multiple theories on the origins of this ugly practice. The neo-spiritual leaders want to project like this is a malice developed by the Britishers to rule India.  While it is definitely true that Britishers exploited the inherent differences, it is a very inaccurate statement to make. I definitely want to write about the impact of the British colonial rule in India but attributing dowry to them is extremely evasive and unreal. The transfer of wealth and inheritance to the groom is a very ancient practice in Hindu culture going with references and justification in Manu Smriti – the code of Hindu ethics.

There are three types of this which are happening in the modern world.

1. Groom’s family demanding dowry
2. Bride’s family thrusting it
3. Transfer of wealth happens with neither party thinking about it in great detail

The first and the most common one is where the groom’s side of the family lay out a set of demands. I have personally witnessed this cringe-worthy, outrageous and inhumane act. It always starts with the senior most member of the family and in most occasions a deeply religious crack head initiating these proceedings. Any humanist watching this will feel a deep sense of discomfort and anger. You can compare this situation to a hostile boardroom negotiation for a takeover, just that this involves trading humans. The worst part of all is when both sides end up thanking the initiator for mediating the proceedings.

The second one is increasingly becoming common among middle-class people in cities. The families have developed this need to showcase their love by forcefully handing over wealth. Since it is done under the name of love, it is a difficult point to refute. However, if one digs a level deep this point collapses like a house of cards. This is not done for love towards their daughters but love for themselves, the needs to be seen as loving parents. If you look at it, what is the love if giving something to your daughter which she doesn’t need or in most situations will never need.

The third one is a wealthy class behaviour but is increasingly being seen in upper middle-class families. They don’t even realise or question it. The bride’s family gives, both the bride and the groom don’t feel uncomfortable with it. It has become innate.

If we investigate the propagation of any social malice, we can see a pattern here. The three points give us the idea of how this evil has evolved to a state where it has become part of the system.  If polio doesn’t get eradicated and everyone is affected by it, no individual will ever know the concept of walking properly. That is the state to which dowry is going in India.

Religious laws

While most cultures in the world have made it a norm for the girl to lose her identity after marriage, the Indian culture takes it to a new level. The primitive minds of the scum who came up with the religious rules were very careful in embedding deeply disturbing concepts after giving girls a semblance of liberty.  Some of the horrific concepts you will hear quite commonly are below.

• Kanya Dhan: This practice is not just immoral and disturbing but is to me the fabric which binds this entire society of credulity and servility. It means charitable donation of an unmarried (I think it can be substituted for virgin) daughter. It is an act of registering a transfer of deed.
• Husband is equivalent to god: The phrase ‘pati parameshwar’ is very often heard not just in real life but also in movies. It is often given a good connotation signifying the importance of treating husband as god. While I do agree that both god and husband need not be treated with reverence, that is not the context where this phrase is used.  The girl is expected to submit to will of the husband. This comes up irrespective of the religious background. It requires the girl to surrender her critical faculties and get treated like a slave.
• Pativrata: The girl is always respected being loyal to her husband and accepting him irrespective of his behavior. The concept of  chastity and loyalty is reserved only to the girl, while her husband is not measured on that. It is quite understandable considering a sizable majority of the country worships the mythological figures Rama and Sita. Rama even going by the books was a cruel and irresponsible husband, while Sita is a submissive, loyal wife. She doesn’t stand up for herself till the last line of the last book, post which the epic ends.

In summary, the well documented and rather celebrated Indian weddings are nothing more than shows for the rest of the society. This pompous exhibition much like what happens in Vatican, covers up the underlying filth, lies and deceits. As a person who has experienced it, I strongly feel it should be ripped off and replaced with simple acts which acknowledges mutual love and respect. As I went through his horror personally, that is what I kept telling myself. I am happily in a relationship with my wife but that happiness stems from our love for each other and the fact that we have overlooked the meaning of the event completely.